FU: Future You

Future you. Pfft! What an asshole! Think they’re better than you; putting on frills and getting promoted and running for office and such hifalut’n foolishness. Well we’ll show ‘em!

Introducing FU: Future You (FuFu for short), a great new site that lets present you launch the social equivalent of guided missiles at future you, ones that explode when future you least expects into a hot rain of tears, dashed hopes, and crushed dreams and leaves future you stammering, “Sorry, so sorry! It was just a joke and I’ve changed but I’m so, so deeply sorry.” That’s some reverse Terminator type shit there!


While today’s adults had to work hard back in their day to sabotage their even harder working future selves—constructing elaborate social time bombs by hand and often just genuinely being not very nice people—FuFu largely automates the process. Choose from a few simple presets and let the site generate a tweet that is highly future regrettable and will hopefully trigger many the future outrage. All that’s left up to you is launching it. And we all know you’re not some sort namby-pamby pacifist of the anonymous coward kind: you’re obviously going to fire that sucker off from an account that will be easily traceable back to future you! (Side note: I’ll gladly accept PRs that let FuFu publish podcasts and memes and yearbooks and such too)

FuFu uses a neural network trained on the most effective examples of temporal-social-auto-assasinations presently known to come up with context-free nonsense that covers all the basics: racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, callousness, classism, dickpics, blackface, and more! (Although for some completely unexplainable reason, it is optimized for the United States) While such templated hate may seem like it’s making light of something serious, or even letting some people off for their very real past transgressions, that’s missing the point entirely. And it’s not like present you actually believes any of the stuff being posted. Future you on the other hand… I mean just look at what they posted back then! Terrible. Just terrible. They deserve this! Yes with FuFu, it’s never been easier to put something in the permanent digital record that will come back to haunt future you worse than (insert future regrettable analogy here).

But what if future you is a tricky one? Maybe they are counting on the march of progress to make it so that nothing present you can possibly post could be considered even mildly offensive compared to the ultra mega outrages of hyperreality that plague the mid 2050s. Or maybe future you is betting that society will descend into some sort of fascist utopia, where blind hatred and rage and yelling and tribalism are taken to be the most noble of qualities while empathy and subtlety and reflection are to be mocked and destroyed. Who knows? Maybe in some bizarro future, even something as innocent as publishing a website could become regrettable…

Well even if FuFu misses its mark in a few cases, at least both present and future you will always be able to take great pleasure in watching others people’s past selves destroy their present. Oh what fun! We must destroy them! I love outrage machine!!! Present you should probably post something about that.